Heaven and Hell
September 11, 2026
I can’t find any current photos that are not screen shots or memes. Hmmmm. I seem to have stopped taking photographs. What’s thaddabout? Need to dig deep through some old memories.
I have spent many weeks in the forest, a few days in early March, mostly over the summer. It’s not exactly my second home; it’s my summer home, my country home, tho. Sometimes I feel almost at home here.
Two weeks ago I jumped out of my bed in the middle of the night, my heart racing, in a panic. I composed a text, offered to come out, didn’t send. I rewrote it in the morning, and he replied, yes, this afternoon would be fine. I drove out, made food, sorted some things here for a few days. We often go shopping, groceries, goodwill, cat food, Mexican takeout.
Back home for a round of rest, gardening, Mah Jongg, movies, then a day trip to the Farmer’s Market, some thrifting, and a picnic on the bay side of San Rafael. I found a very cool velveteen shirt, and a rebounder with a handle that Art can use for a bit of exercise. He was very pleased to have it. Two weeks ago I brought my old recumbent Exercycle out for him to use and set it up in the woodshed. He does weights, and stretches.
He is checking into palliative care. Eating is painful and difficult. As hard as it is to keep weight on him this is a major hurdle. We had a discussion that sent me over the edge. “I’m not getting better.” Yes, something so obvious, but once spoken, it hit me hard. We have been preparing for all possibilities, but struggling for something is different than struggling against. He can speak. I can understand him, miracle. My hearing for the human voice is not so good.
I struggle right now to complete normal tasks, can’t finish a painting. My to-do list is a tangle. I’m not home enought to have a solid base. I have two cat-sits next week, and a quick visit to Santa Rosa this weekend. We’ll go thrifting, stop at In-n-Out Burger, maybe go for Margaritas. I don’t drink much, but yes, sometimes, a friendly happy hour beverage.
The wifi here went out this week; it’s still configured oddly, but available. Art called to ask me what the password is– yesterday he didn’t know the password to his laptop. Good that I know these things. I bought a 500 watt power station so I have auxiliary charging power in the van. I have shore power here, but “one never knows, do one?” Well I thought that was Dorothy Parker, but it’s Fats Waller. Yay, Internet.
“Our” new fridge, having the two unfinished windows rebuilt, these are signs of life that somehow waited until the end. What are we saving for? Summer is winding down, I am stacking firewood. Pray that we make it through.
Reverse Heidi
April 22, 2026
Spending weekends in Canyon now and then has been really healing, and Art is much better on several fronts; gaining weight, strength, and cognition. I come to bring light, and food, and energy, and put right difficulties from a rapidly dwindling list. There are further hurdles ahead for sure, but we are pushing forward on the plan to play Cotati again.
Soon it will be the five-year anniversary of the broken ankle, and a week later, the big Seven-Five! I am mostly healed, though every once in a while something reminds me, that little catch where the muscle crosses bone, or maybe how my knee takes some of the unspoken stress. The ramp, and the threshold, are sites of well-deserved caution. There is so much water under that proverbial bridge, what’s left of the bay tree that fell is mouldering into the side of the hill.
Map of Westy Park; birthday pie; thrift store possum peanut car go vroom.
It’s odd to be back in the studio. Maybe odd is not the word. It’s enough just to be here. Things that survived don’t mind the rust, or the damp, or the odd patterns mildew leaves on a canvas panel if you turn your back on it for three years. Projects I thought of doing then seem simple now, with brush control and instinctual reach for materials. Synapses that were drawn then come with muscle memory.
Sleep in the old Westy is easy, it’s so dark, and the rain is a lullaby. For some reason the bad circuit breaker is not broken, we got the automated cat feeder set up, removed and replaced the metal cabinet in the bedroom. Maybe the on-demand water heater will finally give him hot water in the kitchen, might get that resolved next time. The more we work, and talk, and eat, the stronger he seems. Every day is a miracle.
