trepidation
2.9.24
don’t know what it is exactly that stops me. planning or thinking about a drawing or painting sometimes spooks me, the idea of going out and being sociable is just an enormous struggle. reticence does not describe it. sometimes inspiration comes, and i just get up and follow through. things seem hard until you do them. i have a studio setup where there are pencils and water and brushes at the ready for any contingency. when i stop to figure out or plan, all the what ifs start to gather, thoughts get in the way and i am in a muddle. there are times when just the thinking about doing something creates a wall. a threshold. a meniscus i can’t puncture. oh, that threshold i stepped over when i broke my ankle, ow, that was a thing. but i know that if I think of a task, and do it now, it gets done.
the morning gather:
e.g. just spent two hours deciding to go out, finally i was ready for the long walk (what, about 45 feet) and down the stairs. Glorious day, fresh air and sun after the long long rain, and there i was, in my element, checking oil, checking tires, pulling crocosmia before it spread along the fence, hauling a box and a bag and a chainsaw and a few things on hangers into the house. curious.
ah. there’s the new moon.
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