Triggered, the deets

late april, 2024

I had come from the parade in cowboy hat, twirl skirt and boots, already dressed as if for the Roundup. People were glad to see me. We sat and talked, it was warm, lovely, friendly. Erik asked when I was coming “home”. It was like a shock. They said they could sneak me in, but, it felt sketchy. I would have been illegal, unsafe, an intruder, again.

I left to turn in for the night. It was late. I had planned to sleep in my van, then putter in the roofing house and pack some things out the next day. I was moving out. Moving on.

When I thought they had gone I went back to get a bubble water from my big galvanized tub, now repurposed as a beverage cooler for the Friday Winos. But no, they were still there–waiting? All in cowboy hats, dressed for a party- I was in my pajamas, no longer one of them. Not ever, really.

We hugged goodbye. I watched as they all walked down the tracks, and realized I had been given a choice, and taken a final fork in that road. I watched that chapter come to a close, my old life sputtering to a vague, unspoken, bitter end.

I was up all night, in a terrible agony of panic, regret and confusion. An angel texted and invited me to visit. At dawn I woke, made coffee, opened the gate and drove away.