Demon Rum

9.7.2020

A camping trip in the mountains
My mother's 100th birthday.

You.
Drunk on Rum

Pink sky
Fires burning nearby

It was scary to be there
"Are you having fun?"

Not in a friendly way
Not an offering of understanding

a Statement
A Judgement

A refusal to negotiate
A yell, a bark, a growl

“It’s a Bummer”
“You Ruin Everything!”
“It’s Done”

A Declaration
of my ill worth and ill intention
Not a request or reconciliation
An unfair and hurtful accusation

Me. I don’t listen
I don’t pay attention.
I can’t argue

I “complain” 
I “interrupt”

I am guilty
I am wrong.  
I cannot comply.

I don’t know what to say
I dare not speak.
I don’t know what you want from me

I have to explain myself.
I have no ambition. 

I struggle to prove myself. 
I limit my exuberance. 
I still my enthusiasm 
I’m failing somehow. 

Shirking the commitment
And the Promise you gave
Love, Unconditional, Compassionate
Friendly, Romantic
Only bitter disregard and nothing to save

Why let someone tell me what I think.
I don’t belong anywhere.
I deny what I want,
I don’t know what I want. 

Why second guess my motivations.
Why deny what I feel. 
I don’t know what I want in my life. 
I don't know what is real.

You were right.
I didn't hear you.
I couldn't.
I won't.

I can't speak.
I can't stay.
Time to let go.

No more of this, of these.
Let it all go. 
Walk away

Move on

Be real.

Be me.