Can’t Won’t

June 2018

Back in April Harold offered me (us/possums) a gig at the Art House. Muffy said a hard No– she hates performing, doesn’t want to be seen, has many stories of hiding behind puppets and hoods and curtains, all the material we work on and never play. She made it clear! She hates it! Invites people to sit in so she can pass . . . Woe is me.

We played there before! When Scruffy was still here. Will Scarlett sat in. I think I have that photo nearby . . . on the Possum Family Singers blog. We played there as a duo! It was great! We worked so hard on these tunes, we have such great harmonies and presence! They say. But, no.

We played in the garden at the wedding of J&J (the other J&J) with Maaaat and Kurt. It was so lovely. I wore black, at a wedding!–still in mourning, but geez.

Myself, on the Other Hand, I thrive on Performance, the Stage, I love the Audience energy wafting back to me. If people are playing, listening, dancing, smiling with me, what the evs, it feeds me. I let the song sing itself. It’s ready, it wants to sing. And I want to shine, not wait my turn. I don’t do the jam thing, I don’t get it. It feels like a bad audition.

Something really hinky is going on in my sky, I just don’t know about people rn. I had an astrologer birthday-read my chart, she kept making ripples, ripples in the air with her fingers. Juno sits at the top of my chart, craving a partner for travel, an eye that sees all. The Mars and the Sun conjunct at the bottom, hidden, watching, from below. Fierce, inward, like how I like to garden in the dark, with the moon. Amazing! Kick ass! But I let these people define me.

I’m really CRAZY about my life right now. I want to do things. It’s really hard without my buffers, Steve, Rick, bandleaders who held up their end and pulled me in. My Actual Friends who supported me and joined in on camping trips and gigs and festivals, got gigs and showed up. I’m reeling under the weight of the nothing of it.

I used some detangler on my hair, it smells really gross, like being sprayed on at Macy’s. Think I’ll go wash it out.